As I stated in a previous post, I recently received some bad news and it changed my outlook and my perspective.
I think this is fair and not unexpected.
I am now realising that photography may be one of the things that help me work through this and allows me time to try not to worry or focus on the events unfolding around me.
I have a wonderful husband, supportive friends and backing from family and colleagues and for this, I am truly grateful.
I do however find myself thinking, dwelling and upsetting myself over circumstances I cannot control.
A good friend of mine told me to be sure I was looking after myself and I think I am but I believe I am kidding myself. I’ve had hard days since the news and found myself close to or in tears when I least expected it.
When I told one particular colleague my news they were shocked and tried to help me feel better by asking me if I’d taken any interesting photographs recently. I couldn’t answer. That upset and annoyed me.
Since the news, I’ve taken a few photos but not many. I didn’t feel it appropriate.
To make matters a bit harder, the negative news from the Royal Photographic Society probably came at the wrong time and this has fueled a resistance to pick up my camera. Had I received this feedback at any other time I would have taken it as constructive.
I know this was helpful feedback, but when added to everything else, I viewed it poorly.
The last photo I shared was taken during this turbulent time but I forgot I took it and felt it was churlish to be posting photographs on the internet in amongst everything else. I feared I would not be respecting others by promoting a photo, a snap, I took when the inspiration struck. It felt like I was attention seeking at a time when others deserve the attention far more than I.
I met a friend for lunch on Thursday and whilst waiting for him to arrive I spotted a scene which made me chuckle. I remember wishing I’d had my camera to capture the moment and this gave me hope.
I could have tried to capture the moment with my phone but things are less clear and focussed at present so I didn’t immediately think to take it out and shoot.
The moment, however, reignited interest and creativity.
My friend and I had lunch and then went for a walk around the City. As I relaxed and we chatted I started to see scenes and items that’s grabbed my attention and the creativity started to make me feel happier and more relaxed.
A day has passed since and I’ve had more low moments but I now realise that I have control of these circumstances. I cannot control what is happening in my family life but I can support them. I can also support myself and improve what I am thinking about and realise that my photography is a way to help.
I lay here in bed, tired but not drifting off. Watching the lights flicker outside and I start to think about photos I could create from the light… And it gives me hope and warmth and focuses.
Instead of worrying about what I cannot change, I can use my art to give me something to build on, to plan and to enjoy.
Much in the same way when I embarked on my course with the British Academy of Photography when another matter disrupted my life and that of someone I love.
So tomorrow, the camera is coming out of the cupboard and I am going to take photos. Even if it’s only the odd snap, it’s a start!
I don’t want to cover the details of my news as they are private and I am sure comments would be positive and supportive from my readers but it’s a topic I am not ready to share at present, therefore I want to try and avoid it here for now so please forgive me. I will open up about this when it feels right to do so.